I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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