after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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