I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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