I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
