When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
