she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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