No stitches, just platelets and will power
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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