Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
