I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just pee around me
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
