Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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