used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
