Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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