Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
