I think i peed on brittanys purse
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
