what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
