They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
