i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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