My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
