I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
