Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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