she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
