We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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