I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
as a side note pls kill me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
