She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
