im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
