the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
