Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
