My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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