bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
