The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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