Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
