Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have feelings that need drinking.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
