Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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