Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
