No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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