That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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