Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
