"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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