It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
