Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
