i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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