don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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