My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He did a backflip because drugs
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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