You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
