you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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