Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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