her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
