i already hear my dad disowning me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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