I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
