Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
