she woke up with a sticky ear
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
