I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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