we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
