Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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