OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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