and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
