D3 body, D1 cock
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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