Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
