You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
