Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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